Learning to defuse bullying must start young, at home, writer says

By Owen Boss

Staff Writer

SOUTH HADLEY - Conflict is inevitable, violence is not. Children have to be taught to hate, they aren't born bullies. Most bullies develop as a direct result of how they see conflicts handled at home.

These were among the talking points Tuesday evening at an educational lecture by anti-bullying expert and best-selling author Barbara Coloroso, who broke down what bullying is and isn't, and how it can be prevented, for an audience of more than 150 at Town Hall.

This wasn't Coloroso's first trip to South Hadley. In 2009 she was hired by school officials to educate staff members on bullying, just four months before Phoebe Prince, a 15-year-old South Hadley High School student, hanged herself after allegedly being relentlessly bullied by a handful of her schoolmates.

Coloroso's return was arranged by Stand Up for a Change, a local anti-bullying group created by parents Darby O'Brien, Luke Gelinas and Eileen Moore, Phoebe Prince's aunt.

Before Coloroso addressed the crowd, Abigail Williams, who also helped organize the meeting and has represented a number of bullying-related cases through her Worcester law firm, Abigail Williams & Associates, said Tuesday's meeting was not about pointing fingers.

"I'm not here to say that this is anyone's fault, I'm here because this is a community-wide issue," Williams said. "As parents and as a community we need to stop saying bullying is OK, because it isn't, and the consequences have to start at home because the last place bullying should be addressed is at the police station and in the courtroom."

In a lively and often humorous hour-and-a-half presentation, Coloroso challenged those in attendance to put themselves back in middle school and touched on a variety of lessons outlined in her book "The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander: Breaking the Cycle of Violence."

Using her own children's struggles with bullying as examples and citing suicides similar to Prince's that have occurred in every corner of the United States, Coloroso explained that bullying isn't unique to South Hadley, and the best way to prevent it is to give children the tools they need to stand up for each other at a young age.

"Most targeted kids are ashamed, afraid and don't think anyone can do anything to help them," Coloroso said. "If a school implements the policy that 'if teachers don't see it they can't punish anyone' they are only empowering the bully, because the majority of bullying occurs under the radar and when their back is turned."

At a television interview Tuesday afternoon, Coloroso said she bumped into Gov. Deval Patrick and had a bone to pick with him about the way bullying was defined in a recently passed anti-bullying bill that made Massachusetts the first state in the country to enact bullying-related legislation.

"The way it is written now, bullying is defined as an attack that must be continuous and repeated. Bullying is oftentimes repeated, but we have to insist that the first time it happens it must be treated as a bullying situation," Coloroso said.

A better definition of bullying, Coloroso said, is "a conscious, willful, deliberate activity intended to harm where the perpetrator(s) get pleasure from the targeted child's pain or misery." Bullying, she said, can fall into three categories, verbal, physical and relational.

"If we can stop it at verbal bullying, it rarely progresses to the other two," Coloroso said. "We have to be willing to stand up early and often and say this just can't happen."

Another myth Coloroso was out to dismiss was the notion that targeted students should avoid the bullies that torment them, one that she said is regularly recommended to children by their parents and teachers.

"Why is it the target's responsibility to avoid the bully or pick a new route home from school? That is just sending them the completely wrong message," Coloroso said.

Coloroso also set out to explain the difference between anger and contempt. The latter, she said, is much more powerful emotion and enables bullies to dehumanize their targets.

"You have to understand that bullies aren't mad at their targets. For one reason or another they have utter contempt for them," Coloroso said. "Once you have contempt for someone, you can go ahead and do anything to them without feeling compassion or shame."

The solution to bullying, Coloroso said, starts at home with parents closely monitoring what their children are exposed to on the Internet, on television and in social networking sites. Coloroso encouraged parents to join social networking sites, learn to text message and do whatever they can to "be one step ahead of them instead of two steps behind."

"We need to stop looking for a good reason for bullying, because there isn't one. The only thing that all targets have in common is that someone is targeting them," Coloroso said.

In the end, the best way to prevent tragedies like Prince's from reoccurring, Coloroso said, is for parents to instill in young children the courage necessary to stand up for kids who are the target of bullying.

"By educating your kids at a young age, you're giving them the tools to stand up and speak out, which are lifelong skills. You have to let them make choices and mistakes and let them learn from the consequences that come from their actions."

For more information about Coloroso's books or learning materials from her lectures, residents are encouraged to visit her website: http://www.kidsareworthit.com.

Owen Boss can be reached at oboss@gazettenet.com.